GraceLife - Intimacy in Marriage

"Achieving Intimacy Inside and Outside of the Bedroom"

Early in our marriage, my husband and I took part in a couples’ night with fellow church members. One of the older couples spoke about intimate issues, and the husband shared his pet name for his wife, "Juicyfruit." She playfully whacked him and we all laughed.

Their openness blessed me. I realized it was OK for Christian couples to talk about sex and even have fun sexually. Unfortunately, many Christians are confused about Biblical sex, which I call "saved sex," and worldly sex.

My husband and I experienced worldly sex (intimacy before marriage), but chose to be celibate for many years before meeting each other. We were blessed to remain celibate until we married, then we experienced wonderful saved sex.

Like many couples, our sexual foundation didn't start with truth. That older couple helped us to see sex the way God intended it. They had been married for 20 years and the wife informed me that their sex life was better than ever. I always thought sex as newlyweds would be the most exciting and then sex would deteriorate. This isn't true if spouses grow in intimacy.

True Biblical intimacy can best be described as oneness. One of the best pictures of God’s intimacy is when He chose to make us one with Him –– He decided that we would be in Him and He in us. "But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him." 1 Corinthians 6:17

When teaching, my husband explains oneness using marble cake. Once the vanilla and chocolate are mixed there is no separating them –– they will forever be connected. God made a covenant (the most deep, binding agreement He could make) to never leave us. He sealed it through Jesus.

The marriage relationship is a covenant between you, your spouse and God. It’s an earthly picture of our intimate relationship with Christ. In Genesis 3, God says that Adam "knew" Eve after they had joined together sexually. And at that point were spiritually connected forever. "I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine." Song of Solomon 6:3

It is important for spouses to cultivate a lifestyle of intimacy with vulnerability, honesty, trust and encouragement. Like a garden, intimacy needs cultivation, good nutrients, and moisture. There may be some sexual puns in this garden correlation –– purposefully or not –– nevertheless, have fun!

1. Cultivate (prepare and improve)

It is important to have the mind of Christ in regards to sexual matters. God is in you; therefore, He is in your bedroom. We tend to believe that God’s design for sex isn't very fun. Some believe being "naughty" is more fun. That lie, like many other lies of the enemy, is regularly placed in our gardens through the media. We must be very intentional about breaking up the rocky soil in our intimate gardens. Otherwise, nothing healthy can grow.

Some of the rocks that steal intimacy include: pornography, masturbation, fantasies, fear, guilt, condemnation and selfishness.

Can the marriage bed be defiled or does anything go? It remains clean as long as worldly influence is banned.

True intimacy leaves no room for selfishness. Pornography embraces worldly, selfish sex. Don't allow images of other couples, or worldly influences, into your bedroom! Pornography fills your mind with fantasies that never will be fulfilled.

According to PB Wilson’s book, God is in the Bedroom Too, fantasies come from an unrestrained imagination born in the dark or secret. Dreams, or hopes, are born in your heart and in the light and can be shared with all.

Be very careful about your thought life. I was always told to fantasize about my husband throughout the day so that I would be ready for an exciting experience with him that evening. Do you now see how destructive that could be to your experience? I challenge you not to fantasize but wait until you are with him to fill in the details together!

Philippians 4:8-9 says to think on lovely and good things. Guard carefully what comes through your eyes and ears. My husband and I are careful not to choose explicit movies and fast-forward through any sex scenes in the movies we choose. Be alert to soft porn that comes through things like Victoria Secret catalogues or the sexual words of a comedian. I also discourage "role playing" which could encourage thoughts of adultery.

Masturbation encourages fantasies; it also robs your lover of the ability to please you. Who could ever do it better than you? Masturbation encourages a sense of disrespect, dissatisfaction and selfishness in the bedroom. Your attitude is key in satisfaction. In the last issue, I talked about respect being key to submission. If you don't respect your spouse in the bedroom, it is likely you don't any other time. If you have a habit of masturbation, or any issue like it, I encourage you to die to it. Surrender to the Lord and trust Him to deliver you.

If you struggle with fear, guilt or condemnation – for whatever reason – you need to set aside time to talk to both your spouse and the Lord. You may need to forgive or be forgiven. Receive the Lord’s love and truth about you and your marriage. And as the Lord heals you, allow your spouse into your most vulnerable place. If you regularly tense up when you are sexually intimate with your husband, you are robbing yourself of full satisfaction and intimacy. As you heal, learn to RELAX and trust. You'll see a difference!

2. Mulch and plant

After cultivating, it’s time to mix in good nutrients to encourage the healthy growth of whatever you plant. In an outdoor garden, you mix in mulch and/or good soil to make it viable. In our intimate gardens, we should mix prayer and Biblical truth, including selflessness, unity, oneness and, of course love.

Prayer promotes intimacy tremendously. Be sure to pray together as often as possible, including before, during or after sexual intimacy! Invite God into the experience, allowing you to think more highly of your spouse than yourself. Encourage your spouse as you discover new things about each other.

Be intentional about turning off the TV (or the book) and making time for preparation. Gather and use perfumes, oils, music, mirrors, lingerie, etc. Plan time for cuddling, baths together, massages, foreplay, etc. Spontaneity is always good too!

Sexual intimacy was certainly designed by God to be enjoyed. If foreplay and/or orgasms are rare or even nonexistent, then I suggest the book Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. The author helps each spouse with the ability to bring pleasure to the other through various sexual techniques. For example, a husband can learn how his wife’s clitoris is a gift from God to bring her tremendous pleasure.

3. Water

My husband and I have a lot of fun finding scriptures (out of context) that entice each other. The word is a wonderful way to keep your garden watered –– and there is no better thirst-quencher than love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

To really enjoy the fullness God intends for sexual intimacy, you must regularly practice nonsexual intimacy with your husband. Remember, you are pouring into a relationship that will last a lifetime. Do sweet things for your spouse that you wouldn't do for or with anyone else. Make sure he feels like he’s the most important person in the world to you (even over the children).

Communicate with each other deeply and lovingly. Listen to each other intently. Joyfully honor and serve each other. Find out your spouse’s "love language" and speak it as often as possible. And as always mentioned enjoy "simple romance" like holding hands, nibbling on each other, love notes, etc.

After removing the rocks from your garden, keep them out by inviting God in. Protect your intimacy from the world with prayer and the Word, and let your oneness truly be special. Trust the Lord as you grow in intimacy with Him and your spouse and seek to glorify God inside and outside your bedroom!

Intimacy Sidebar:

What do you do if you were involved sexually with your husband before marrying him and then after marriage he doesn’t seem interested anymore?

Sometimes it seems that forbidden fruit is the most tasty. The flesh is always opposed to God’s way. Therefore, having sex before marriage may have been more fun to “our flesh”. Now in marriage the spirit may be saying that unforgiveness is blocking intimacy. You may need to start with forgiving yourself and/or your spouse.

There could be other reasons for sudden disinterest…stress, depression, health issues, time, etc. However, one of the most common problems is lack of communication.

If you and your spouse are not communicating physically, it’s likely you’re not communicating verbally and emotionally. Communication is so important to intimacy in marriage - sexual or otherwise. It’s more than saying words. It’s hearing and understanding each other. Women sometimes expect their husbands to read their minds and then get angry when they don’t. Be intentional! Ask questions and be transparent yourself. Respect him! Many men are discouraged by lack of respect, especially at home. Check your attitude. Are you critical or encouraging? Do you compliment him any more?

Be careful about being contentious. Guard against judgements and assumptions. He needs your support. He needs to know that if he doesn’t have a job, money, his right mind - he will always have you. When times get hard - get closer and communicate more.

My husband and I had a time like this, but God showed me things to change. He began to season my words to my husband with love and grace. I also got closer to my husband in bed (so close that he could smell and feel me). I got new underwear and “nighties”, choosing to be attractive to him rather than comfortable. And believe me, he noticed.

Lastly, praying for him is the most powerful thing you can do. I believe fewer men would turn to Viagra if they had wives diligently praying for them. So be diligent! Walk in the spirit and trust God!