GraceLife - Parenting

Building Meaningful Relationships with Your Children

God created us for relationship and gave us a desire for nurturing relationships.  We usually seek to develop or maintain good relationships with people we believe we can benefit from, like spouses, co-workers, family and friends, and the Lord.  It is good to do that – we are called to do that - but I am concerned that our children aren’t always included in that list.

I noticed that I spend a good deal of time instructing my children how to behave in their daily relationships. I teach my children to respect their elders, to listen to their teachers, to love (not fight) their siblings and friends, etc. But in all that relationship building - I often neglect investing the time that it takes to personally build a meaningful relationship with them.

What is a True Biblical Relationship?

The good news is that I have a Heavenly Father who is my perfect model for relationship building and parenting. He showed us how to welcome relationships with little ones when He instructed that they not be hindered from coming to Him (Matthew 19:14). I am encouraged as I think about how He even pursues me daily for relationship. He is my relational teacher reminding me of the grace and love He pours into me so that it can be poured into others.

So what is true Biblical relationship? It is a purposeful joining together of two willing people that is both vulnerable and sincere.  With believers, that connection should include an atmosphere of love, grace and unconditional acceptance that encourages both people to be exactly who they are.

Please understand that having a Biblical relationship with your children does not look like friendship…yet.  As parents, we enjoy different roles at different stages in their lives. When our children are small, we are the main authority in their lives. When they become adults, God becomes the main authority in their lives so we can enjoy a friendship with them as an honored advisor. My hope is that the relationship I build with my children now will cause them to want me as a friend/honored advisor when they are adults.

Relationship comes before Rules
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Eph. 6:4, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Col. 3:21

We have to be careful not to think that our only mission with our children is to discipline and correct them. Those parental responsibilities only reap blessed results when done within the confines of relationship. You may have heard that “rules without relationship leads to rebellion,” as expressed by missionary Josh McDowell. In the above scriptures, notice that the relationship between fathers and their children takes priority over the position of authority and instruction.

Our goal should be to help our children to respond to us just as we are to respond to our Heavenly Father. In John 14:15 Jesus says “If you love me then you will obey me.” We are to obey God’s commands out of love for him; otherwise, we are only following rules and performing, which eventually gets old. That is how rebellion is born. Problems arise with many teenagers because we want our teens to talk to us more and to respect our authority, but that is not likely if a relationship has not been built. However, if we seek to have our children  listen and obey what we say because they love us – because of relationship – even when you are not looking, they will continue to obey.

Practical Ideas

So what does having relationship with my children look like? Listed below are three possible areas we can focus on to practically develop meaningful, lifelong relationships with our children. (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)

Loving

Get to know your children. Stay aware of the concerns on their little hearts and pray with them. Spend time reading the Bible together and sharing what God is teaching you. Let them know you accept them just as they are. Let them know who you are. Write sweet notes to them (read it to them if they can’t read). You will likely receive some letters back and some may need to be read back to you (smile). Affirm them! Be sure to know what their (most recent) favorite color is. Hug and kiss them more than they can stand! Never let them question your love and acceptance of them.

Honoring

Honoring means “giving them weight.” Do all you can to respect your children: respect goes two ways. Guard against controlling them. Listen to them: let them know that what they say is important to you. Keep their confidences! There are times when they deserve your full attention; you could actually learn something from them. Answer their questions and then ask them what they like. Find ways to value what matters to them. Put their pictures up on display. Give many compliments – encourage them with the truth. Take a walk together and talk. Set up an ice-cream date. Be sure to give your children individual time. My little ones feel extra special when I do that.

Enjoying

It is so easy to do the necessities with our children and miss quality time with them. What can interfere with true quality time? Too many activities, TV shows, video games, working long hours. We all have busy lives – even the Mom who stays at home can miss opportunities with her children as she tries to manage her home. We have to have a deliberate focus on them when those special opportunities arise. When the Holy Spirit says to you – “ok that’s an opportunity” – Listen and leave the internet for later and enjoy your children now!

Children are usually pretty confident that you love them but not always so sure that you actually like them. Smile at them spontaneously. Be sure to laugh a lot with them, especially at what they think is funny. Get down on the floor with them and play their favorite games. Mommies, get a little wild and crazy sometimes (that is usually Daddy’s job). And spend some time together coming up with more fun ideas.

The truth is, building relationships with your children will always be time well spent. It is an investment of a lifetime that will benefit you and anyone that will have the privilege of enjoying a relationship with them!

By Te Anna N. Brown

Background scriptures:

Deuteronomy 6:6-7
"These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. " You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.

1Thessalonians 2:7
But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.

1Thessalonians 2:11
just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children,

Matthew 19:14
But Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Extras:

Psalms 128:3
Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine within your house, your children like olive plants around your table.

1Corinthians 14:20
Brethren, do not be children in your thinking; yet in evil be infants, but in your thinking be mature.